Hiding in Plain Sight

 "I know so many people who think they can make it alone. They isolate their heads, and stay in their safety zone..." - Brian Wilson

I made it to the mat today. It was sooo hard, at first, every little baby asana felt like a struggle. About halfway through the practice, I started to feel good, warm and stronger. It's a recent lesson of mine to take my initial "I can't do this" feeling less seriously. By the end, I was looser than I've been in some weeks. This Yoga with Adriene 30 Day Challenge feels like it could be doable. 

Pat and I went out to There, a local gastropub, for a burger and beer. It was empty, and fun to sit and hang out and sip an ipa, and nosh on a perfectly cooked, very small burger. I haven't been out with my husband in months, it seems. I want more of that...

I woke in the night with another anxiety attack. I pulled up Jay Chodagam's "declutter your head and free your mind" anxiety vlog, and listened to it, til I fell asleep. But the feels, in the midst of the attack just overwhelm me. I feel like I'm one step up, two steps back with blood pressure, angst, insomnia, everything. Ugh. What do you hide? asks Michelle Chalfont, in The Adult Chair journaling challenge. I hide the fact that I'm anxious, a thing I've told exactly 2 people, openly. One, my sister, who responded with "duh." and the other, my coworker, Kate, who struggles with her own mental health challenges. Both feel like safe confidantes to me. Neither tries to fix me, or worries overmuch about the state of my mental health, which feels good, like I'm still within the normal range of humanity. 

A not-too distant past picture of me.